Thanksgiving Needs To Change (Or Why Roast Beef Should Replace Turkey)

For hundreds of years now, Families have gathered together around the table to celebrate Thanksgiving. But let’s be honest, does anyone enjoy really enjoy it? Sure you get to see your family and maybe a long lost relative or two (Probably long lost for a reason, am I right?) and if you’re anything like me you’re hungover from the night before because you were celebrating the BEST HOLIDAY EVER. But the worst part you have to sit there for HOURS and listen to you family yammer on (Pun intended) until the food is done. Mainly the Turkey.

The Turkey…

Who in their right mind actually likes turkey? Sure, it’s okay on a sandwich from time to time. But Thanksgiving turkey always comes out dry and disgusting. So much so that an entire bowl of gravy can’t even save your mouth the pain of chewing that clump of sawdust down to a more edible version. I’m pissed at the stupid idiots on the Mayflower that couldn’t pick something better to eat. Hell, CHICKEN WOULD’VE BEEN BETTER.

This is where my proposal comes in. Let’s switch to roast beef. Roast beef is delicious, hard to mess up, and honestly Beef gravy is better than turkey gravy (I’d go as far to say any gravy in fact, I love beef gravy). You throw a few chunks in the crockpot over night and boom. The meat is done. You streamline dinner and thus cutting down on yammering from the relatives. You get to actually enjoy a meal, and your jaw isn’t gonna kill you from all the chewing. The biggest thing for me is the leftovers too. I don’t like the turkey hot, so I sure as hell don’t like it cold (Now I understand where the saying “Cold Turkey” comes from.)

In fact 2/5 people are in favor of changing to roast beef for the holiday (I was the one of them, but lets not nitpick here.)

So in closing, The pilgrims suck. Their food choices sucked (Except corn, baby!), and their stupid holiday sucks too. If everyone would agree I would just say we should extend Halloween until After Black Friday and get rid of thanksgiving altogether. But alas, I’m a degenerate, so I need my night before thanksgiving.